So recently I've come to the realisation, my health really has take a wrong turn. Although my fortnightly B12 injections help a lot with my neurological symptoms, I am no longer able to do things I was able to do just a few months ago. Whether this is to do with stress in my life at the moment, or just an unlucky bout I'm having - I don't really know.
My pain levels have been really bad as of late also. I need to start building up the use in my arms again, as I can't play my cello for as long as I used to be able (even whilst sick). It was just 12 months ago, I was playing my cello for 6-10 hours a day at music camp, and my body coped really well. At the moment, I'm lucky to get a 30 minute practice in without feeling weak, having tired out, and on occasion, feeling a bit dizzy.
I had plans, that this year was going to be my year. I was more positive about this year than I have ever been about a New Year. This is the year I graduate, something I've had to take an extra two years to do. All my friends left for uni last year, then the friends I made since are leaving for uni in these current weeks. I also had so many goals. To get my not for profit organisation up and running, to complete and pass at least 1 A.M.E.B exam on my cello, record some quality songs, regularly perform at retiremant and nursing homes, move town, take up all opportunites thrown at me for my blogging and do more modeling. All of those opportunities are sitting there, in front of me. I am mentally ready to grab onto them with all my soul! Physically, I'm not so sure I can do everything I had hoped and wanted. Graduating has to happen this year. It is my last chance really. I also feel like I have to do the AMEB exam this year. I've waited too long and surely, I'm at a disadvantage having not done one in my 10 years of studying the cello? The NFP organisation I have help with, but not nearly enough so I feel this is going to take me a great deal longer to have happen; I find this really disappointing. I am creating it as something positive, not just for me, but so many others. It makes me feel I've let down so many people. My modeling is really easy to deal with - it does not take all that much energy out of me because really, it's just acting for a photograph. Do you know how many times I have 'acted healthy' and no one has even noticed something is wrong? (except for my mum of course, mother's know everything).
Although I now know everything is going to take a bit of a halt, or delay, my dad sent me some very wise words.
"You need to find joy in who you are, not who you wish you were. Who you want to be is a journey everyone must make.. It has many steps, and takes as long as it takes and unfortunately, there are no shortcuts. And you my girl, have a few extra steps on that journey - overcoming your illness. Don't let your illness define you. There are ways to get better, you know what they are. And you are the only one that can do them. Mum and I will help if we can. We love you kiddo. Don't forget that"
This made me feel a lot better - but I still feel disappointed in myself. At times, my illnesses do define who I am. They have changed me, and continue to change me. This year will be hard, but I will make it work. Some how.
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